re: thoughts

After reading Jason's post, Van

1. Use the first-person pronoun. Mentally distancing myself from the truth through non-standard syntax does not fix anything.

2. Resist the urge to mock everyone and everything around me. It's a dick move; stop being all douchebag all the time, nobody appreciates it, it doesn't help anything, and I know it and always end up regretting it, anyways -

3. be honest. tell the fucking truth. be sincere for once. it's not that fucking hard.

I really hope that everything works out for all of you.

It's so hard to convey sincerity through the Internet, especially considering, well, how I usually act.

I'm sorry if I was ever mean to you, or teased you too much, or just... generally acted like a dickwad. It was wrong, and I really do regret it.

Even though it's probably too little, and far too late, I'm sorry.

I apologize. Please forgive me?

4. Confession: I've always avoided blogging honestly about myself because it makes me realize how petty and childish my "issues" are. How petty, childish, and self-obsessed I am, really.


... sorry. This post was supposed to be for you guys. I'll stop now.

So.

It's okay to feel down sometimes. It's okay to feel things in general, to like what you like, to feel afraid of things, to doubt yourself, to not always be on top of the world, because, well, that's what people do.

It's even okay to feel a bit like a failure when things go badly, because

you're not.

You guys are all amazing, wonderful, brilliant people. Even though I haven't seen or talked to the vast majority of you in so long (especially you, Jason, who inspired this post...), I'm really happy to have met you! And I'm still happy to know you to, well, whatever extent that I do.

I'd just like to tell you guys that, no matter how you feel, there's someone who cares about you. Multiple someones, judging by how great you guys are. And they? we? I don't think your problems are insignificant. And if it would help, I'd be willing to listen and provide help in any way that I can.

It's really cheesy, but you're not alone.

Even if I won't ever quite understand, I'll try my best.


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I realize that I should be saying this to you guys in person and personally instead of leaving it to the impersonal and detached nature of the Internet, but, um.

I'm really bad at this encouragement and comforting people thing! I. have this unfortunate tendency to. be really selfish. and try to make everything about myself. and thus fuck up. and ruin everything. like I'm doing now um.

So - this is a bit of an emotional test run for me. If I'm going to mess up, I might as well do it where people are less likely to care. Well, not care. Take it personally, I guess?

Even though this was pretty personal, oops.

In any case, here's a preemptive apology if I did mess up or offend you or say something wrong and make things worse.

I'm sorry.


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I really do mean it.

Everything.