sleepier than I should be at this time of day.

For some reason, it feels as if I should have changed more.

Nevertheless, I can't help but feel that things are fine the way they are.


---

I know how I could do all this, but I don't want to do that.

This is stupid. Why am I doing this?

"You are wasted potential" is a rather awkward thing to feel.

The truth often makes things more awkward than they really have to be.


---

For whatever reason, I can't wait for it to snow again, even though I dislike the cold. It's more for the aesthetics than anything else, I think.

I guess it isn't that bad, though. Changes are okay.


---

"I wish I could take initiative more often" is a self-defeating statement.

This is not a good thing.


---

No one was home all day. When my dad briefly stopped by to drop off dinner, I was told to dispatch all intruders without mercy. With lethal force. In order to defend my home.

I am prepared. The baseball bat is under my bed.

Nothing has happened.

(Secret wish: a crowbar. A big one.)

(Other secret wish: to hit something with it.)


---

I dreamed I punched someone in the face. It was very vindicating.

I've never seriously punched anyone in the face before. I guess it's a good thing if I never have to.

I kind of do want to try, though.

Maybe not. Being punched in the face hurts, after all.

I just want the sensation of punching someone in the face, but without hurting them.

That's not really possible. I guess this whole tangent is pretty pointless.


---

I could have gone outside. Why didn't I?


---

I tried baseball the other day. It is not a talent of mine.

Oh well.


---

Whenever I'm bored, I get this urge to vomit my feelings all over the Internet like so much half-digested food.

The reception will be similar, as the whole gesture is both unwanted and really disgusting.

So I don't.

That is why this is pointless.



---

This house is really quiet without anyone in it.

Not to the point where it is eerie; after all, the soft hum of electronics keeps me company when I feel alone.

Is that strange?

I didn't mean it.


---

The thing is, it's probably not as terrible as I make it out to be.


---

"It can't be that bad. You're one of the lucky ones, after all."

Smile more. It looks better on you.

---

I haven't screamed in quite a while.

---

If I had something to say, I'd probably use paragraphs.

ETA

too damn late

sorry.

it wasn't any of my business anyways.


---

Honesty really is the worst policy.

re: thoughts

After reading Jason's post, Van

1. Use the first-person pronoun. Mentally distancing myself from the truth through non-standard syntax does not fix anything.

2. Resist the urge to mock everyone and everything around me. It's a dick move; stop being all douchebag all the time, nobody appreciates it, it doesn't help anything, and I know it and always end up regretting it, anyways -

3. be honest. tell the fucking truth. be sincere for once. it's not that fucking hard.

I really hope that everything works out for all of you.

It's so hard to convey sincerity through the Internet, especially considering, well, how I usually act.

I'm sorry if I was ever mean to you, or teased you too much, or just... generally acted like a dickwad. It was wrong, and I really do regret it.

Even though it's probably too little, and far too late, I'm sorry.

I apologize. Please forgive me?

4. Confession: I've always avoided blogging honestly about myself because it makes me realize how petty and childish my "issues" are. How petty, childish, and self-obsessed I am, really.


... sorry. This post was supposed to be for you guys. I'll stop now.

So.

It's okay to feel down sometimes. It's okay to feel things in general, to like what you like, to feel afraid of things, to doubt yourself, to not always be on top of the world, because, well, that's what people do.

It's even okay to feel a bit like a failure when things go badly, because

you're not.

You guys are all amazing, wonderful, brilliant people. Even though I haven't seen or talked to the vast majority of you in so long (especially you, Jason, who inspired this post...), I'm really happy to have met you! And I'm still happy to know you to, well, whatever extent that I do.

I'd just like to tell you guys that, no matter how you feel, there's someone who cares about you. Multiple someones, judging by how great you guys are. And they? we? I don't think your problems are insignificant. And if it would help, I'd be willing to listen and provide help in any way that I can.

It's really cheesy, but you're not alone.

Even if I won't ever quite understand, I'll try my best.


---
I realize that I should be saying this to you guys in person and personally instead of leaving it to the impersonal and detached nature of the Internet, but, um.

I'm really bad at this encouragement and comforting people thing! I. have this unfortunate tendency to. be really selfish. and try to make everything about myself. and thus fuck up. and ruin everything. like I'm doing now um.

So - this is a bit of an emotional test run for me. If I'm going to mess up, I might as well do it where people are less likely to care. Well, not care. Take it personally, I guess?

Even though this was pretty personal, oops.

In any case, here's a preemptive apology if I did mess up or offend you or say something wrong and make things worse.

I'm sorry.


---

I really do mean it.

Everything.

I really need to get better at this whole feelings thing.

Because self-awareness leads to self-mocking, and then you don't feel like sharing anymore.

And sharing is caring!

OH NOEZ.

=> I'm pretending not to care.

---

In other news, I'm moving (just to a different house) in a few months. Summer's been okay so far.

:"D

Caught a cold. Getting better now.

Became old. Still no love life. Forever alone. :(

Am now able to buy stripper heels if I have the money. Hooray for the Internet. They're really expensive and require international shipping.

Still, stripper heels in size 2. Who wouldn't want a pair?

Contracted computer virus. Fixed the whole thing by myself. Felt accomplished.

I want to learn how to sew. It seems useful.

Wait, what?

Handy in the real world manipulation of objects and events, you are easily enthused by practical projects. You often ignore or conveniently forget rules and boundaries that limit your freedom. This need for freedom extends even to the personal sphere and though you are kind and gentle, you will often be hard to pin down to a monogamous lifestyle. Because you tend to verbalize so seldom, you can be seen as phlegmatic or impassive. In moments of high tension you can often surprise those around you with a lighthearted or humorous remark. Because of your facility with the physical world, you are often engaged in sports that require dexterity, such as motorcycling or hang gliding. You will rarely have time for flights of fancy or unproductive discussion. Constraints on your freedom will be regarded as a personal attack.

From the shape test. Does this describe me? ... does it?

Quiet and very self-assured, you tend to keep your own council. Pragmatic and practical to a fault, you are not one to worry about the finer points of philosophical discourse. In fact, because you are very much an individualist, you often finds yourself at odds with the established truth or the wishes of the majority. You will often earn the wrath of an employer by taking upon yourself decisions which are rightly those of your manager. You are not one to take credit unless it is deserved. Similarly however, you will also not happily give credit where it is not due. In a romantic relationship you can be very frustrating. While you do care deeply and sincerely, and are willing to work at a relationship, your confidence in your own abilities can on occasion make it difficult to see the world from a partner’s point of view. Quiet and stoic at times, you can drive a more emotional individual completely up the wall. You can become overstressed and fatigued without knowing it. Taking time to rest between bouts of hard work can help to prevent a breakdown later on.

Second time. I think this is more like it?

Thoughtful to the extreme, you are often obsessed with perfection and the rules governing your own personal interests. Your world is black and white. You love to work within a logical system, such as language, computer programming, or mathematics. Manipulating a system that can be completely understood is a distinct pleasure to you, because of your confidence in the underlying veracity of your belief system. Because of your appreciation for logic and order, those who speak or think in a sloppy manner are apt to generate more than their share of wrath. Although very amiable, you are not drawn to friendships out of a sense of personal need. You are just as happy by yourself with a good book or puzzle. Because you are so involved with thought, you will on occasion have difficulty dealing with the day-to-day problems of a normal life. Taking out the trash, doing the dishes, these are often left until the last possible moment, if at all.

Third time. This too!

It doesn't really work for me...

Oh, and a more Van-like post, to make up for lost time:

By being alive, having death at the end of the line, and constantly moving forwards in tame, aren't we all dying our whole lives?

Isn't that nice?

They say "live like you're dying"; that statement is redundant.

---

If someone says "forever isn't enough," just leave.

After all, they won't be happy either way.
---

My understanding of quantum immortality is most likely completely wrong, but I like it anyways. It's fun, and completely negates "live like you're dying."

So, no matter what, it's a bit of a stupid thing to say.

it's been a while!

E-MAIL used CONFUSION! VAN is confused! VAN hurt itself in its confusion!

I thought you guys forgot I existed for half of Saturday. I(t) was really sad, I shouldn't get paranoid about things like this so easily~ Afterwards, it was "Oops, wrong e-mail~ I have confirmed my existence!" and now I am confused.

... is the party today or not? And where is it? What should I get you, Rachel and Shandersonnnnn?

---

So it's been a while since I've blogged, and my old post is still relevant. The feeling you get when you've eaten a lot really fast and the food hasn't reached your stomach at kind of sucks, too. :O Trying to restrict the kind of pointless eating that results in fatness is hard...

---

I've been on a Touhou binge lately. Bullet hell games are amazing. Play them, even if you suck like me and can't win without continuing on anything above Easy mode...

The music's good, too. :D

You are now dodging very slow bullets. Manually.

---

... I don't really have anything to talk about. Happy belated Chinese New Year? I ate a lot, as usual.

Oh, on Chinese New Year's Eve (also Clarence's birthday~), we went out to eat, and I had this really good lemon sour cream ice cream on carrot cake. It's better than it sounds~ it tasted like lemon cheesecake in ice cream form! The carrot cake was amazing, too.

---

why does this whole post talk about me. I should gain more interesting knowledge so I can write about that instead?

---

Oh, right, school. It was okay. I maintained my combo! Report cards are late. :(

aaaaaaahhhhhhh

You know that feeling when you're not actually hungry, but you really, really want to eat?

Yeah.

Looking at recipes and pictures of food doesn't help.

Looking at the calorie counts makes me want to eat them more. :|

christmas on the internet.

>spend Christmas on /r9k/
>don't even post, just lurk
>can't even bring self to post on most beta board on the Internet
>aloneforever.jpg
>;_;

On the bright side, the new USB is shaped like a penguin!

Other bright sides: turkey.

Merry Christmas/happy holidays/season's greetings/etc, everyone!